The Gold Firm
‘There’s no business like show business’ the old song went. Some things never grow old, just ask super heroes, now to be found more on Netflix than children’s comics.
This post Covid, pre nuclear holocaust world is crying out to be entertained,the cooped up anxious to spend their hard earned and saved.
Australians top the list having been denied their beautiful landscape and beaches for lockdown after lockdown, and wondering if its their last shrimp on the barbie as Putin decides yes or no regarding mankind’s future.
Step forward Glasgow Celtic and Rangers.
The Old Firm.
A 90 minute battle.
And for the first time, this unmissable event shall take place on Ozzie soil.
But will Ozzie’s take to the occasion?
After all they do have their own sports and rivalries, so why would someone attempt to import another?
And if successful once, the door is opened, further poluting the finite pool of supporter attendance income.
Some, it seems, aren’t impressed.
St.Kildas Vice President instantly replied “they can shove their bloody kilts where the sun doesn’t shine” before it was explained the kilt covers the bits where the sun shouldn’t shine.
“Bloody soccer! Strewth!” he continued.
“No booze on the day” stated the Azerbaijan foreign minister upon being notified of the upcoming fixture, although it’s unclear if this is official government policy.
Pre release tickets were quickly snapped up though. Kylie Minnogues hot sister Danni quickly grabbed a VIP box, soon followed by Conor McGregor which immediately set tongues wagging, but perhaps it was the Pakistan minister for Foreign Affairs who really got toungues wagging with his stark statement that “in this time of nuclear threat, the last thing Austral-Asia needs is a sectarian riot.”
He speaks from first hand experience. During his stint in Scotlands second city he witnessed first hand the effect this unmissable clash can have upon the native populace.
“One night, and I remember it was after Samaras tore them apart, a customer came into the restaurant with no money and no matter what language we tried he couldn’t understand we don’t just give away food. Eventually he bit a piece of his belt off, and asked us to batter and deep fry it. I’m not going.”
The Irish Foreign Affairs Minister was less frosty,,,
“Sure look many of us have family or friends in Australia, because it’s a great place! It’s the new world, full of opportunity.
Everyone left the Old World behind when they moved but if course it’s a given all 21,126 Irish bars will be at maximum capacity, and then there’s the rest of the world who doesn’t know the craic. Huge, feckin huge. I’ll be snagging tickets myself and between you and me McGregors after Kylie I heard.”
But how does the average Australian on the street feel.
We asked several.
Mick O’Connor – sounds like an early Paddy’s day!
Tamara Jones – Soccer yobs eww.
Danella Terry – Plenty police please, my neice lives close to the stadium.
Austin Molenko – Those kids think they’re hard, bring it!
Pukka Mc Stravick – let’s see if they can drink!
Evelina Bienska – Kilts? Why not!
No one however asked the teams fans what they thought, until now.
Jim the Timothy – Me and planes don’t mix but apart from that it’s greed! I’m not going, even if Bobby Murdoch’s calls it a Hoot!
Auldestheid – Special things happen in the sun, recall we won that famous cup final 7-1 and that was in the sun, so I always associate the sun with famous Celtic victories but that’s just me. The fans certainly come alive in the sunshine, many go home with the triple whammy, sore bank account, sunburnt scalp, and a neck you could fry an egg on but is it all worth it? We’ll see.
Sags Mc Gill – OZ yes. OF no.
William Bellington – Never. This is the unseen hand once again filling a stadium full of the opposition fans to goad on a victory and besmirch our clubs great name in the process. Need I remind you that this is a country that renownced Her Majesty the queen in a recent vote, and was founded by Irish criminals.
There are no bears in Australia, not fierce ones anyway, nor will there be travelling ones on this occasion.
The Kellys and their ilk can have the occasion.
Victor Worthington – We would be heavily outnumbered and them Ozzie cops would take their side cos they’re all Kelly’s and O’Reilly’s. Stay away.
Sadie Travers – They’ll be playing each other on the moon next. You can’t get a ferry to the moon , then what will they do? They’re cutting their arm off to spite their face, playing each other over there knowing people with not much money want to be there,,the ones that actually care about the club half of them can’t afford it.
The real fans won’t be there. Who can take a holiday to Australia just before Christmas?
As the host stadium executives rub their hands, it now boils down to the PR war.
How will this historic clash be not only sold out, but billed as unmissable so as to whet the appetite for more?
The Stadiums Head of Marketing believes he has found the answer.
Scott Stolwinkle explained “We looked at the raw energy contained within the world famous Old Firm clash and we said Australia could really do with that energy, and I’m not talking as a resource here. I’m talking that aggression and passion.
Right now we have multiple enemies across the globe and I can’t think of a better way to stir people’s emotions than to beam this game into every household and give them their own little piece of Braveheart. You know, after the game be standing in their sofas shouting ‘Freedom’ but without the warpaint and sword.
We want the X-Factor in town, you know, kilts, beer, songs, and maybe a punch or two thrown for old times sake.
The tourists will love it, I can see them booking the place out just to get a front row seat of the action, and that right there my friend is where the money’s at.
Yearly, that’s the aim, and we shall be encouraging both sides to go in tough and hold nothing back. We wanna a spectacle!”
It remains to be seen if Scotland can successfully export it’s most prestigious sporting event, but it’s fair to ask without the usual fans in attendance is it actually a true derby clash? Without league points or a cup on the line, without thousands of Scots and Irish cheering their heroes on, is it really a genuine Celtic vs Rangers tussle?
The day after, is probably the best time answer the question.